News — tigers

CHICAGO, IL- Burgmann Field was full to capacity with a huge crowd on hand to welcome football back to Chicagos’ beautful Lake Michigan shoreline with a cracker of a game that had everything from a bit of biffo (who didn’t love seeing Grisoni lay out Betty Palmer?) to numerous lead changes in a heart stopping last quarter.

The game started with a great showing from the Tigers and yeat another disappointing one by the Rhinos who required the services of some Pee rah nas to enable a game of 16 a side to go on. Thankfully for the Rhinos though, they did get the 12 required to miss point deductions, much to the chagrin of big Mustard who was rueing his new rule brought out mid week.

The weather was a balmy 70 odd with a good 70 odd knot wind blowing across the ground with any advantage going to the Tigers who kicked to the northern end in the first stanza. From the bounce, it was obvious this was going to be an arm wrestle as both defences were on top as sides struggled to move the ball effectively in the conditions. Rhinos went with Kansas Hattery on the dangerous Burgmann who was looking resplendant in his “sexy capri pants and manicured toes”, while Drake was shadowed by Poncho up front for the Rhinestone cowboys.

The Tigers looked the goods out of the blocks as repeated forays forward looked dangerous but the extra man in ‘D’ for the Rhinos subdued any problems. Brennan was on fire early and the run of Poncho and Crabs out of the backline gave Burgmann, Meyer and the forwards plenty of opportunity, all to no avail however. Braddis was looking good and proved to be a handful for Disco Panek all day as the seemingly 30 lb lighter version of the 08 Braddis was running around like an acne scarred teenager with some high powered binoculars at a nudist colony.

It wasn’t long before the reason all the ladies turned up got hold of the ball but much to the assembled ladies dismay, Hoyts shot flew wide. A rejuvenated Biggs took a nice grab on a long lead in front of new Rhino Tyler Dorsett but he also shot wide. The Rhinos moved the ball down the ground through first gamer Clarke, top recruit and rugby convert Adrian Deeham and perennial legend Drew Wolfe and found new manager Jezza Morgan whose bomb into the far reaches of the forward line bounced into the waiting arms of Drake who, showing a bit more agility than anyone, particularly himself expected, went left, then right then back to the left in front of Poncho. Utterly confused and rueing his decision to go onto the left, he banged it on the foot anyway, just as a huge gust of wind came through, tilting the goal post and enabling his snap to sail through, breaking the strangehold the Tigers had had on the game thus far.

From the center bounce, the Tigers went back into attack and after dropped mark number 8 by Wazza, Braddis showed him how it was done with a lovely mark and goal to send the favorites into the first break 1.2: 8 to 1.0:6 up. The Tiger guns were firing with Burgmann, Poncho, Uhlmann and especially Oscar getting plenty of it, a worrying sign for the Rhinos who were being kept in it by first gamers Glenn Clarke, Jack Thompson and the hard running Jeff Borchardt.

Against a probable 2 goal breeze, the Tigers continued to dominate with Meyer becoming a particular pain in the arse for the Rhino hierachy as he seemingly had the ball on a string. He found Braddis early and the svelte big man popped through numero dos as the Rhino backs showed some tired legs. Drake went into the ruck and Wolfe to full forward as the Rhinos searched for their next goal. The move paid dividends as momentum shifted late in the first half.

Biggsy missed again and Braddis was unlucky as his third missed by centimeters then the Rhinos struck. Jack Thompson, the nephew of Swan legend Basher took the game on his shoulders as he continually presented up front. His first went wide but then picking the crumbs from a Wolfe lead, the big man sat back and nailed his first ever goal from 30 out on a tight angle. Wolfe was proving a handful for Gaelic import Rahilly and the Rhinos seemed to be getting on top as the siren blew. At the half, the Tigers went in 3.4: 16 to 2.3: 15 up with the game very much in the balance.

The second half was a doozy as the center lines for both teams took over. For the Tigers, Uhlmann, Meyer and Crabs were terrific but the Rhino backs in first gamers Forte, Hattery, Dorsett, Deeham and BOG Clarke were running hot. Poncho, Rahilly and big Pace kept the Rhino forwards at bay and the game became a war of attrition. Braddis, who was giving Disco Panek plenty to think about was able to break through for his third of the game but Jeremy Morgan, busy up front, was able to pull the Rhinos back after a deft handball from his coach let him dribble, literally, a ball through from 20 out. As they say in golfing circles Jezza, it’s how many, not how.

Brennan then struck for the Tigers as the lead changed again and again. Hattery continued to frustrate Burgmann while Hoyt was shifted into the backline to see if he could get that elusive second touch of the game. With the 2 main Tiger forwards being shut down, Braddis continued to resist but his snap was touched through for a point. From the kick out, the Rhinos, through Clarke, Morgan and Forte moved solidly on the top wing and Fortes bomb forward found Drake whose grab in heavy traffic was rewarded with a fine goal from 40 out. At the orange break she was anyones game with the Tigers still leading 4.7: 31 to 4.3: 27.

Drake, smelling an upset, through Forte and Clarke into the middle and Wolfe back into the ruck with Deeham back in the guts as well with the aim of stopping a red hot Crackers Brennan. The move paid off for the Rhino coach as Wolfes tap from the Big Al bounce found Forte who went bang from the center of the ground and the ball, bouncing in front of a leading Aussie Mike, evaded both him and his defender and mercifully for the Rhinos went through the big sticks to put the Rhino in front. Next up and the Rhinos attacked again with Morgan missing one he should’ve kicked before big Aussie Mike Allen said thanks very much and kicked truly to bring up his first to put the first nail in the Tiger coffin. Seconds later he had another chance but a sensational diving effort from Grisoni enabled him to get a hand on a certain 6 points, keeping the Tige’s in it.

With the pressure on, the Tigers, through Meyer, Crabs, Brennan and Mark Warren kept attacking until a Rhino defensive break down saw Uhlmann mark 30 out dead in front. His shot missed and the Rhinos were able to suffocate the game as Jack Thompson, Glenn Clarke and Jeffery Borchardt each stepped up again for important plays enabling the Rhino to gore its way to a momentous victory 6.5: 41 to 4.8: 32

Burgmann Fields, IL – The Lincoln Park Piranhas, on the back of a 6 goal B.O.G effort by the Dangerous (Lethal!) Dave Allen have run away with the 2008 Metro Premiership in stunning fashion, leaving the hapless Tigers to lick their wounds as they look for answers in the offseason. Big Roofy was an irresistable force up forward, Big Stace dominated the midfield and the danger man for LP, Dave Allen, was stunning around the ground as the Piranhas did whatever they felt like after quarter time to run out winners 16.12: 108 to 6.4: 40

The game started positively for the Tigers with the birth of Jackson DeJong, a future first round draft choice in 16 years which was followed by an amazing goal by big Pace who…. now let me get this right because those assembled still can’t believe it….. read the ball magnificently off the pack and in the middle of the ground gave a handball in board and still running, demanded it back. He looked up and saw Hoyt with 3 Piranhas on him so, I’m not kidding here, took a bounce and dashed off in a manner belying the dodgey knees and extra couple of pounds around the girth. Luckily for him and the Tigers, the big fella didn’t realise the fleet of foot Hayse was behind him and he continued his forward advance and from 75 (well, 40) out went BANG and to everyones surpirse, most of all big Pace’s, the kangaroo skin sailed through the uprights. Wild celbrations broke out as MacGlashan lost his breakfast on the wing, classic stuff indeed!
Minutes later and Tommy Gun kicked another for the Tigers and all of a sudden it looked like the highly paid Australian mercenaries (more commonly known as Lincoln Park) were in trouble but they were able to steady and through a dominant midfield where Stace was winning every tap and giving his rovers first use, blokes like Haysie, Isadore, Deri, Fresh and of course the Dangerous one began running riot. Successive goals to Dave Allen showed that he was the dangerman for the Piranhas as Oscar tried everything to stop him to no avail. Isadore slammed on one for himself from the flank that brought the sizeable crowd to their feet and the Piranhas went into the first break with a 3.5: 23 to 2.1: 13 lead that, if Roofy had have kicked straight, could’ve been a lot more.

The Tigers continued to frustrate the Piranhas in the second as they constantly forced the ball forward through Oscar, Tommy Gun, Ortiz and the quiet Billy Uhlmann and a sleu of new faces including Dan, James, Billy and Brendan who all showed enough throughout the game to make the heads at Burgmann Towers very happy. When Oscar kicked a classic Oscar goal, ignoring three handballs and a lone Hoyt in the goalsquare, the lead was cut back to a kick and Al again began to sweat as his lunch looked unsure of staying in that magnificent gullet of his. Enter the dangerous Dave Allen , whose goal was a highlight reel classic and put the “ha” back in Piranha. Isadore followed up with another and Roofy finally broke the seal with two towering mark and goals that set the lovely Ness alight and sent Oscie fleeing onto the ground to congratulate his dad. While there, Oscie decided to sniff a few things, hump the odd leg and when he started gnawing on the OBK leg, enough was enough and he was banished back to his sideline setting where he refused to stay for long, taking off to take a dump on the bike track seconds later. At the half, the Piranhas had extended their lead to 7. 7: 49 to a brave Tiger outfit 3.2: 20 who were still in the hunt if they could get the slightest of murmurs out of their forwards.

The third quarter was more of the same however. Mighty Joe was given the task of taking on Roofy and despite giving away three feet in height, had until now done a commendable job, aided by Roofy having a case of the “Burgmanns” (How many times have I mentioned him thus far? I think I’ve reached the enforced quota? Incase not, here’s one more… Burgmann is shouting us all this Friday night as he apparently won $15K at Arlington Race track… or somewhere…. and the fact he no longer works at Bowmans means nothing, don’t read anything into it. Nothing untoward occurred and this column will not be privvy to the spreading of any salacious rumours and innuendo of any ‘funny’ business!!). Anyway, Roofy had a case of the ‘Burgmanns’ (strewth, I mentioned him again…. if anyones interested in chatting to Waz, his address has changed to thus “Warrick Burgmann, C/O Dept of Corrections, Cook County Gaol, California Ave, Chicago IL” Visiting hours are 9am to 12pm and 5pm – 7pm.) Anyway, where was I? Ok, yep, Roofy was kicking rather poorly considering his high standards but he was able to start the rout in the third breaking free to nail his third (haha, “nail”) and set the Piranha faithful alight. The Tigers knew Dave Allen was going to be a danger to them going in but they couldn’t cover his arse and he snagged two more for the quarter, one a bomb from 55 out after a lovely mark. Haysie continued his great form in front of goal and kicked an absolute ripper over the shoulder. We all missed his celebrations though as all eyes turned to Katie who signalled us yes, finally, that she’d seen that goal and as we turned back to see Haysies celebrations we all realised, frustratingly, that we’d missed most of them.

Perhaps the games highlight came in this quarter though. It wasn’t the amazing goals of Hayse and the increasingly Dangerous Dave Allen, it wasn’t the attempted hanger by Al that saw him get half way up Joes ankle and come crashing, comically one may say, to the turf flat on his back, no the real highlight was the up til not now not mentioned Brian Hoyt. Needing 6 majors to win the MacGlashan medal, our Brian hadn’t had a touch thus far but finally he gathered and kicked towards goal from about 50 out. The goal square was vacant and the umpire was already signalling a goal but enter journey man Bradice, who did the even more famous Burgmann (there’s that name again) move and took the mark on the goal line to deny Bozo the goal and bring the crowd and players into raptures as Hoyt crashed to the ground in tears. For the Tigers, and the record, Bradice did kick the goal, his first kick for the game also. At the orange break, Lincoln Park had the game in the bag, 11.10: 76 to 4.4: 28 and it was now how far and how long could the Piranhas keep Dave Worniak from cracking the famous Miller Lites.

The Tigers ran the game out but where totally overwhelmed. Isadore put a crushing tackle on Hoyt that he will feel for the next few days which pleased everyone. Oscar kicked another as did Bradice for the Tigers but at the other end, it was curry time as Piranhas ran amok. Dave Allen showed that he was a dangerous player by kicking his 6th. Dougie Fresh added another and Haysie got another pearla that was, sadly, missed by the wife who was now more interested in watching Vanessa trying to corral Oscie who had taken an interest in golf and was now humping a nice Hispanic mans golf buggy on the 4th hole at the Marovitz Golf Course, much to the chagrin of his playing partners.

Roofy, ignoring pleas from his wife to “come pry your bloody dog off this poor mans buggy”, kicked his 4th and the rout was complete when a sober Dave Worniak, ignoring the game and on his way to grab a Miller Lite, stumbled over the ball as it lay motionless in the goal square thus soccering in the final major of the game. The final whistle of the season, blown by umpire K.O.G.S, sounded the start of wild celebrations across north Chicago as the once embarassing Piranhas stormed to their first flag. MacGlashan, the man behind the scandalous recruiting at the start of the season, proclaimed proudly ” It was all me you Ku#nts. I took this team and made it what it is, you all owe me beer”. As the Piranhas threw Worniak and Katies empties at him, DK took hold of the cup, wrestled it from the amorous clutches of Oscie and rose it aloft, signalling the season of the Piranha.

Burgmann Fields, IL – And so it was and so it shall be. The Tigers have barnstormed their way into the Metro Grand Final with a solid win over a struggling Rhinos team that gave absolutely everything but in the end, to no avail. The Rhinos were undermanned again but gallant in defeat as the Tigers recruiting staff wheeled out another couple of future champions in B.O.G Fitzy and runner up B.O.G Vince, both of who put the Rhinos to the sword with the help of Fish, Crackers Brennan and stalwart Poncho who was unstoppable again in defence.

The game started with 10 a side and moved to 11’s when the dangerous Drew Wolfe appeared for the Rhinestone Cowboys. Extremely well umpired (Biggsy could only be heard once for the whole game giving advice) by Ryan Hayes (sadly, Katie was more interested in the ice cold 312’s on the sideline and missed his great performance), the game started with Drake marking nicely about 40 out on a slight angle between the two big ‘P’ men in Pace and Poncho and slotting home his first for the day. The Rhinos continued to attack the ball with great work rate from stalwarts Jezza and Funky and when Drake gathered 30 out on the boundary he looked to send the Rhinos further in front but an ‘illadvised’ handball to the kid alone in the square was fumbled and Poncho was able to recover (after 8 more Rhino fumbles!) and set Bad Boy Billy alight on the wing. His ensuing goal on the trot was a classic and gave the Tigers a 3 point lead at the first change, 1.4: 10 to 1.1: 7.

Rumours abounded about a return of Big Guns in Burgmann for the Tige’s and McCoombe for the Rhinos but after the club wasted $1500 on a marching band and cheerleaders (not to mention the 3 Philipino strippers) to welcome them back, rumours were all they turned out to be so the two teams continued to slog it out with both missing several top line players.

The tigers gained the ascendancy in the second with Fitz having a field day off the half back flank. His play was spectacular and only spoiled by a couple of bad shots on goal which would have put this game to bed at the half. Poncho was magnificent and Brennan and Fish were having field days on the ball. Art, Frenchie and Vince were getting tonnes of it and the Rhinos looked stuffed as they chased Tiger tails all over the park. Up forward, danger men Biggs and Hoyt were being well held by Mr Reliable in Disco Panek, first gamer Adam who was having a ripper of a game and Mike who were keeping the Rhinos in it. Hoyt finally broke through for his first with a soccer off the ground and then successive goals to Crackers and Fish further frustrated Miller and his Rhinos who were unable to worry the scorers except for two behinds. At the half, a beaming Mustard welcomed his Tigers 4.7: 31 to WV 1.3: 9

Miller appealed for much more from his Rhinos at the half and with a renewed and sobered John Scher were able to reply in kind. Scher and Tyrekos were able to get more of the footy and support Morgan and Funk who were giving everything along with a rejuvenated Wolfe. A bomb from Tyrekos was marked in a pack by Drake who got a classic case of the Burgmanns and from 35 out (ok, 5) missed a sitter to the delight of Poncho. His next chance came seconds later when he swooped on a ball 30 out and running toward the boundary snapped a ripper on the left foot and went into wild celebrations. His jumper off, arms in the air and victory lap were spoiled though by umpire Hayse who thought he’d have a laugh at the coach and get himself a position on the bench in Milwaukee by giving the one finger slaute and giving it a point, once again to the delight of Poncho.

The Rhinos kept attacking though and a minute later, some good work down back by Adam again found Miller who’s deft pass found Drake on a lead and finally the ball went through the two big ones and the Rhinos were coming home with a wet sail. At the orange break, LS hung on 3.8: 32 to WV 2. 6: 18 and the last quarter was going to be a ripper as the Rhinos looked to keep their finals hopes alive and the Tigers looked to play spoiler.

The Rhinos were again first out of the blocks but Drake was being well held by Pace and an unmanned Poncho kept the Rhinos at bay until Wolfe burst through the middle and found Drake on a lead, 40 out and on a slight angle. He slotted home the quarters first and the Rhinos were all of a sudden one kick down. Tyrekos was gettin gplenty of the ball and when a bomb into the open Rhino forward line found the Kid by himself all hell was cutting loose on the Tiger bench as the Kid marked and played on into an open goal and went “BANG” to even the scores with 5 minutes of classic footy to go.

It was classic football as both teams threw everything they had at the ball. Fitz and Vince continued to defy the Rhinos midfielders and Uhlmann finally started to come alive as the Tigers swung momentum their way and if not for some poor kicking at goal, could have sewn the game up but as it was, Morgan was able to run out of the backline and find Miller who went further afield to Drake who copped a nice one around the chops from Pace. As Poncho argued the call with MacGlashan, Drake was able to play on and have a bounce (first in 15 years just quietly) and run into an open goal and put the Rhinos in front for the first time since his first kick in the first quarter. The Rhino crowd was abuzz as Katie popped her 5th 312 on the sideline and Haysie realised tonight was his turn to drive the new Chevy Aveo home. Mustard was throwing moves left, right and center as the Tigers tried to come back against a determined Rhino outfit that ceded 3 points for lack of numbers and had had the better of the Tiger forwards and with minutes to go, it was still anyones game.

The Tigers through Brennan and Fish were able to continue to dominate the middle after Wolfe copped one high and went to la la land. The Tigers attacked and low and behold, the spoiler in Pat’s brother Brian pops up with a big grab in front of Mike. His ensuing shot was called wide by Hayse (possibly after having one of katies 312’s?) who made up for the earlier indiscretion against the Rhinos but it still evened the scores and made the last two minutes a literal free for all. The Rhinos tried in vain but couldn’t get the ball forward and the Tige’s were starting to run over them as they found the mercurial Hoyt who went back and went BANG to put the Tigers a goal up. After that, the tigers ran out the final seconds to condemn the Rhinos to a futile season and a winter of soul searching. The Tigers, buoyed by a big second quarter were too strong and the Metro GF looks to be a classic as they will welcome back Oscar, Tommy Gun and a sleu of others including, possibly, Warrick Burgmann. For the Rhinos, a look at their list suggests a very good team but too few carried too many and changes will have to be made. Pick ups in Mike, Mike Tyreko, John Scher, Adam and the great form of Disco Panek were soured by the loss of playmakers Plant, Johnson, Ambrosino, McCoombe, Leblanc and the disappearance of Rhino legend McClamroch. Some soul searching ahead at Miller towers but with first pick in next years draft, expect big things from the Rhinos (especially if another Dangerous Dave Allen pops up).

The Tigers are the real deal though and fully deserved their win. Fitz put a smile on the United selectors dials and Vince was outstanding. Poncho gave them plenty and when the game was on the line, veterans in Uhlmann and Hoyt were able to stand up and be counted. Good games out of Ortiz, Frenchie, Biggs and Fish helped and they eventually ran out winners 5. 10: 40 (+ 3 points bonus = 43) to 5. 7: 37.

Burgmann Fields, IL – What an exciting time to be involved with the Chicago United Football Club! In a game which could have swung either way right up to the final siren it was the Lincoln Park Piranhas who prevailed by 6 points over the desperate Lincoln Square Tigers.

Both teams went into the match missing many of their big guns and were fighting just to get the required amount of players to constitute a team. With players of the caliber of McGlashan, Ward, Palmer, Didak, Morgan, Ehlers and Monaco for Lincoln Park and Burgmann, Meyer, Uhlmann, Morrissey, Biggs, Gizynski, Bradshaw and de Jong out for Lincoln Square, the game could easily have deteriorated into a schamozzle but the determination of both teams raised the game to a high level. In the end the pollish and experience of the Piranhas was the deciding factor over the handball and hard running of the Tigers.

The first quarter began with the Piranhas firing as Disco Panek had two early shots on goal from in front. Unfortunately Disco’s goal kicking woes continued and both shots tumbled through for behinds. The trend continued for Lincoln Park as the pressure from the Tigers’ backline resulted in just four behinds for the quarter. Grisoni was having his best game for the year leading his inexperienced backline with great support from proud new dad Ortiz.

As the young Tigers found their feet they began to move the ball quickly and were rewarded with a classic goalsneaks goal to Ambrosino to give the Tigers the lead at the end of the first quarter. The danger signs were there though with Dangerous Dave Allen, despite the close attention of the Doorhy brothers, getting plenty of the ball as was big BJ Gambaro in the ruck.

First Quarter- Lincoln Park 0.4:4, Lincoln Square 1.1:7

The second quarter was again tight with the surprisingly dominant backline of the Tigers being the determining factor in them once again winning the quarter. Dan Thompson was having a colossal battle with Dan Kastilahn at full forward and with the help of the ever elusive Outback Kid was able to score his first for the game. The Piranhas responded quickly through Dangerous Dave’s Aussie mate before the Tigers kicked the team goal of the year. Starting in the back pocket the ball was worked cleanly out of the backline through Fitz and Frank Bradley before some tremendous running from brothers John and Vince Doorhy resulted in Vince hammering home his first ever Aussie Rules goal.

The second quarter finished with the Tigers on top due to hard work down back and a willingness to run and support each other. Despite outscoring the Piranhas though, Allen, Gambaro and Phil Cisco were getting plenty of the ball and with the ball driven into their forward line so often into an inexperienced defense, only time would tell before the Pirahnas got on top.

Second Quarter- Lincoln Park 1.4:11, Lincoln Square 3.3:21

The flood gates opened for Lincoln Park in the third quarter as, despite captain Bradley’s best efforts, Allen, Gambaro and Ryan Hayes took control of the game. Lincoln Square found it difficult to get the ball past center half forward and the constant pressure resulted in three goals for the Piranhas. Within the first 7 minutes of the quarter another of Dave’s mates kicked a goal in his first Aussie Rules outing followed by a goal to ex United player, Brad Lanikonis, returning to Chicago for Deri Morgan’s wedding. Hayes capped off a productive period of play for his team with what he does best, breaking away from the pack to kick a goal on the run from distance.

After the move of Thompson out to center half forward the Tigers forced their way back into the game but despite peppering the goals for the rest of the quarter were unable to achieve anything more than four behinds. The cool and experienced heads of Lincoln Park had put their team in front and it looked ominous for the Tigers with one quarter to go.

Third Quarter- Lincoln Park 4.6:30, Lincoln Square 3.7:25

The final quarter was an absolute cracker with both teams determined to put their stamp on the game. It was a torrid tussel as players were throwing their bodies into every contest trying to turn the game in their teams favour. The game appeared over when Allen received a free kick and a 15m penalty from Anthony, who did an outstanding job umpiring, and kicked truly. Allen’s hard work and tackling were a highlight of his match and he deserved the resulting goal.

This was followed by a brilliant snap over his shoulder from deep in the forward pocket by Hayes. Unfortunately for Hayes and despite his efforts to impress his wife, Katie, with brilliance, she refuses to pay attention at the crucial time.

With just three minutes remaining and the match looking all but over, the crowd began heading for the turnstiles in the hope of beating the traffic out of the car park. In a stunning revival though the Tigers were able to kick two goals in a minute from Thompson’s thousandth contested mark and Ambrosino who was having a purple patch in a continuation of some excellent recent form.

Tensions were high in the last two minutes of play as the ball sat in the Tigers forward line. Ambrosino was electric and was livid with a disallowed mark withing scoring range. A roving shot at goal, also by Ambroso, with just seconds to go tumbled out of bounds and the game was lost for Lincoln Square. Lincoln Park had won a game they probably deserved to win but it was a tribute to the inexperienced and Aussieless Tigers how close they were able to get to the premiership favourites.

Dave Allen and BJ Gambaro were everywhere for the Piranhas constantly forming a solid wall across their half forward line and then pushing forward when required. Frank Bradley continued his sensational season with a herculean performance for the Tigers. There was not a poor performance from anybody on his side and with more games under their belt, this team could be anything in the future.

Burgmann Fields, IL- They’re baaaaaack! Lead by B.O.G Gordon Ambrosino and with huge games from stalwarts Plant, Wolfe and Miller, the Wrigleyville Rhinos sounded an alarm to the rest of the competition that they would not be denied what is rightfully there’s in an 83 point demolition of the hapless Tigers on Friday night.

The Rhinos went into the game minus Ash Johnson, Matt Henzel and Toddy McClamroch but regained strongman Drew Wolfe (lazy) and the speed and tenacity of Ambrosino (brain). The depleted Tigers, still reeling from the losses of Biggs (fatherhood), DeJong (knees) and inspirational and legendary leader Burgmann (constantly drunk) also lost the enigmatic Hoyt (probably drunk) and Frank Bradley (definitely drunk). Gun midfielder Tommy gun was mounting some chick called rainier or it may have been climbing Mt Rainier, not sure as my info on that is a bit scratchy but as he is a Tiger, let’s assume he was doing it drunk shall we and get on with the footy. Their final insult was the loss of marksman Oscar Meyer but no one knows what happened to him but we assume the worst and hope the soap wasn’t to slippery and could be ‘picked up’ quickly and without incident.

From the bounce, a pumped up Rhino outfit who until now remained in the cellar with no wins from a lot of attempts and with lots of questions being raised around Wrigleyville such as “oooooo, I love that cutey Wolfe, wonder when he’ll come out of the closet?” and “oh darling, you just must see Jeremy clean shaven, he’s to die for. I wonder when that tra&p Marci will smell the tighty whiteys and let me at him grrrr darling” needed a big win.

As the ball hit the deck the first time, Miller burst through the center square and delivered a ripper pass to Drake who duly went back and nailed his first of the day playing at full forward. Big Spider followed suit kicking two lovely goals from distance and when John Scher kicked a pearla from a free kick for a push in the back 25m out and on a tight angle, the Rhinos were looking the best they had since their McNaughton hallcyion days of 2006. At the first break, WV led 4.1: 25 to the Tigers who hadn’t bothered the scorers thus far.

Miller didn’t want a repeat of the debacle against the Piranhas and kept pushing his charges on as Mustard searched for answers amongst the hugely inexperienced Tigers (5 first gamers brought down mainly by Crackers, great effort indeed). The height of Drake and Spider was troubling as Betty Palmer, despite giving away inches to both of them (in more places than one may I add!), tried his heart out down back without much support. The Rhinos had Crackers tagged by Beau Rodgers who was doing a great job and Hayse and Uhlmann were being well held also enabling the Rhinos to control the ball through Scher and Wolfe in the middle and the backline was on fire with Miller, Morgan, Kastilahn and a soberish Worniak having free reign and getting great run. A very interesting battle was forming between the recently returned Tiger tough man Bradice and renaissance man for WV in Panek with the latter getting the votes thus far.

The second quarter saw the tigers start to get things moving with Uhlmann in particular getting far more of it but despite many forward thrusts, they were unable to break the Mike Panek led embargo going on on the last line of defense. The Rhinos were able to turn defense into attack and when Dave Worniak found Drake 30 out on the boundary things looked tough as he played on and goaled to send the Rhinos further in front. Big Spider, after some great play from Miller and co down back found Drake on a long lead and his third made the Tigers look out of it in the shadow of half time. Beau Rodgers was able to sneak one through as the traffic all started to head towards Wrigleyville. The Tigers finally got on the board when Bradice was able to break through the suffocating Panek and goal just before the half to send the tigers in, down by 35 points, 7.2: 44 (nice change from last time) to 1.3: 9.

After the half it became the Gordon Ambrosino show as his blistering pace became to much for the inexperienced Tiger boys to control. He was able to kick two for the quarter, the second of which was a classic crumbers goal ala Kevin Barlett as he read the ball off the hands of Spider and at full tilt kicked truly from 40 out. Big Spider was also getting amongst the goals and he kicked his third from a strong grab. The tigers continued to battle hard as big Andrew in the ruck showed a lot of promise as did Martin around the packs and vince tried his best to come to terms with a 7 ft spider and a brand new game. The Tigers were able to pepper the goals but the pressure from Wrigley was splendid and old hands Hayse, Sebastian and Crackers were unable to kick truly. At the end of the third, WV held a commanding 10.3: 63 to 1.7: 13 lead and looked to rub further salt into the Tiger wounds.

The final stanza started with Ambrosino kicking his third after Rodgers, who was having the better of Crackers by this time, found him on the flank and he was able to play on quickly and go bang from 30 out. Next in line was Drake who was able to wrap young Vince up in a tackle that was rewarded by umpire Tony (who did a wonderful job just quietly) and he slotted through number 4 for the afternoon and all of a sudden it was raining goals as Mustard looked on helplessly. But the Rhinos, beaten mercilessly often by the tigers, found the opportunity to give some back irresistable and Beau Rodgers, playing one of his best games of the season kicked a great goal on the run to put the stampeding Rhinos further in front. The final goal summed up the Rhinos day magnificently. Miller from the backline popped it over to a hard running Scher who found Wolfe who took a bounce and found Drake on the lead. Wolfe kept running, his opponent didn’t and that enabled Hecta to pop the old Sherrin over the top to Wolfey who unselfishly handballed over Betty Palmers head to an anxious OBK who sauntered into goal, dropped the footy, picked it up again, ran the wrong way and then slipped as he kicked it and the ball did a Shane Warne wrong un’ and somehow went through the two big sticks setting off wild celebrations from the Kid not seen in years. From the north end of the stadium, he has run around the tennis courts made famous by Mischa and Jacko, taken the jumper off to reveal the removalists brace thing he wears as he waves the famous powder blue above his head so vigorously that he actually leaves the ground at one point. He then high fives the 20 strong crowd, steals Haysies beers and then high fives every car heading north on LSD. He climbs a goal post after giving the fiance a massive snog and a slap on the arse and then after a ceremonial jump in the lake goes to his knees and points to the sky like the big Z! Realising a goal of this magnitude could not be made possible by just one god, he then faces north and pulls out a carpet and bows the head towards mecca. Sitting back cross legged, he pours gold paint on himself and rubs his guts in tribute to Buddha and the last time he was seen, he was knitting a tallis, trying to grow a full beard and ringlets and was learning hebrew! We all left however, when he pulled out the # 25 jumper along with 25 candles and 25 VB’s and a photo of Warrick Burgmann and started rubbing his nipples.