Posted by Thomas Shearman

Burgmann Fields, IL – The Lincoln Park Piranhas, on the back of a 6 goal B.O.G effort by the Dangerous (Lethal!) Dave Allen have run away with the 2008 Metro Premiership in stunning fashion, leaving the hapless Tigers to lick their wounds as they look for answers in the offseason. Big Roofy was an irresistable force up forward, Big Stace dominated the midfield and the danger man for LP, Dave Allen, was stunning around the ground as the Piranhas did whatever they felt like after quarter time to run out winners 16.12: 108 to 6.4: 40

The game started positively for the Tigers with the birth of Jackson DeJong, a future first round draft choice in 16 years which was followed by an amazing goal by big Pace who…. now let me get this right because those assembled still can’t believe it….. read the ball magnificently off the pack and in the middle of the ground gave a handball in board and still running, demanded it back. He looked up and saw Hoyt with 3 Piranhas on him so, I’m not kidding here, took a bounce and dashed off in a manner belying the dodgey knees and extra couple of pounds around the girth. Luckily for him and the Tigers, the big fella didn’t realise the fleet of foot Hayse was behind him and he continued his forward advance and from 75 (well, 40) out went BANG and to everyones surpirse, most of all big Pace’s, the kangaroo skin sailed through the uprights. Wild celbrations broke out as MacGlashan lost his breakfast on the wing, classic stuff indeed!
Minutes later and Tommy Gun kicked another for the Tigers and all of a sudden it looked like the highly paid Australian mercenaries (more commonly known as Lincoln Park) were in trouble but they were able to steady and through a dominant midfield where Stace was winning every tap and giving his rovers first use, blokes like Haysie, Isadore, Deri, Fresh and of course the Dangerous one began running riot. Successive goals to Dave Allen showed that he was the dangerman for the Piranhas as Oscar tried everything to stop him to no avail. Isadore slammed on one for himself from the flank that brought the sizeable crowd to their feet and the Piranhas went into the first break with a 3.5: 23 to 2.1: 13 lead that, if Roofy had have kicked straight, could’ve been a lot more.

The Tigers continued to frustrate the Piranhas in the second as they constantly forced the ball forward through Oscar, Tommy Gun, Ortiz and the quiet Billy Uhlmann and a sleu of new faces including Dan, James, Billy and Brendan who all showed enough throughout the game to make the heads at Burgmann Towers very happy. When Oscar kicked a classic Oscar goal, ignoring three handballs and a lone Hoyt in the goalsquare, the lead was cut back to a kick and Al again began to sweat as his lunch looked unsure of staying in that magnificent gullet of his. Enter the dangerous Dave Allen , whose goal was a highlight reel classic and put the “ha” back in Piranha. Isadore followed up with another and Roofy finally broke the seal with two towering mark and goals that set the lovely Ness alight and sent Oscie fleeing onto the ground to congratulate his dad. While there, Oscie decided to sniff a few things, hump the odd leg and when he started gnawing on the OBK leg, enough was enough and he was banished back to his sideline setting where he refused to stay for long, taking off to take a dump on the bike track seconds later. At the half, the Piranhas had extended their lead to 7. 7: 49 to a brave Tiger outfit 3.2: 20 who were still in the hunt if they could get the slightest of murmurs out of their forwards.

The third quarter was more of the same however. Mighty Joe was given the task of taking on Roofy and despite giving away three feet in height, had until now done a commendable job, aided by Roofy having a case of the “Burgmanns” (How many times have I mentioned him thus far? I think I’ve reached the enforced quota? Incase not, here’s one more… Burgmann is shouting us all this Friday night as he apparently won $15K at Arlington Race track… or somewhere…. and the fact he no longer works at Bowmans means nothing, don’t read anything into it. Nothing untoward occurred and this column will not be privvy to the spreading of any salacious rumours and innuendo of any ‘funny’ business!!). Anyway, Roofy had a case of the ‘Burgmanns’ (strewth, I mentioned him again…. if anyones interested in chatting to Waz, his address has changed to thus “Warrick Burgmann, C/O Dept of Corrections, Cook County Gaol, California Ave, Chicago IL” Visiting hours are 9am to 12pm and 5pm – 7pm.) Anyway, where was I? Ok, yep, Roofy was kicking rather poorly considering his high standards but he was able to start the rout in the third breaking free to nail his third (haha, “nail”) and set the Piranha faithful alight. The Tigers knew Dave Allen was going to be a danger to them going in but they couldn’t cover his arse and he snagged two more for the quarter, one a bomb from 55 out after a lovely mark. Haysie continued his great form in front of goal and kicked an absolute ripper over the shoulder. We all missed his celebrations though as all eyes turned to Katie who signalled us yes, finally, that she’d seen that goal and as we turned back to see Haysies celebrations we all realised, frustratingly, that we’d missed most of them.

Perhaps the games highlight came in this quarter though. It wasn’t the amazing goals of Hayse and the increasingly Dangerous Dave Allen, it wasn’t the attempted hanger by Al that saw him get half way up Joes ankle and come crashing, comically one may say, to the turf flat on his back, no the real highlight was the up til not now not mentioned Brian Hoyt. Needing 6 majors to win the MacGlashan medal, our Brian hadn’t had a touch thus far but finally he gathered and kicked towards goal from about 50 out. The goal square was vacant and the umpire was already signalling a goal but enter journey man Bradice, who did the even more famous Burgmann (there’s that name again) move and took the mark on the goal line to deny Bozo the goal and bring the crowd and players into raptures as Hoyt crashed to the ground in tears. For the Tigers, and the record, Bradice did kick the goal, his first kick for the game also. At the orange break, Lincoln Park had the game in the bag, 11.10: 76 to 4.4: 28 and it was now how far and how long could the Piranhas keep Dave Worniak from cracking the famous Miller Lites.

The Tigers ran the game out but where totally overwhelmed. Isadore put a crushing tackle on Hoyt that he will feel for the next few days which pleased everyone. Oscar kicked another as did Bradice for the Tigers but at the other end, it was curry time as Piranhas ran amok. Dave Allen showed that he was a dangerous player by kicking his 6th. Dougie Fresh added another and Haysie got another pearla that was, sadly, missed by the wife who was now more interested in watching Vanessa trying to corral Oscie who had taken an interest in golf and was now humping a nice Hispanic mans golf buggy on the 4th hole at the Marovitz Golf Course, much to the chagrin of his playing partners.

Roofy, ignoring pleas from his wife to “come pry your bloody dog off this poor mans buggy”, kicked his 4th and the rout was complete when a sober Dave Worniak, ignoring the game and on his way to grab a Miller Lite, stumbled over the ball as it lay motionless in the goal square thus soccering in the final major of the game. The final whistle of the season, blown by umpire K.O.G.S, sounded the start of wild celebrations across north Chicago as the once embarassing Piranhas stormed to their first flag. MacGlashan, the man behind the scandalous recruiting at the start of the season, proclaimed proudly ” It was all me you Ku#nts. I took this team and made it what it is, you all owe me beer”. As the Piranhas threw Worniak and Katies empties at him, DK took hold of the cup, wrestled it from the amorous clutches of Oscie and rose it aloft, signalling the season of the Piranha.

Results

Team Q1 Q2 Q3 Q4 Final
Piranhas 3.5.23 4.2.26 4.3.27 5.2.32 16.12.108
Tigers 2.1.13 1.1.7 1.2.8 2.0.12 6.4.40
Goals Piranhas: Allen D (6), Ward (4), Hayes (2), Isadore (2), Worniak, Malcolm
Tigers: Meyer (2), Bradshaw (2), Gizynski T, McCormack
Best Piranhas: Allen D, Ward, Hayes, Isadore, Morgan D, Elmore, Kastilan
Tigers: Meyer, Gizynski T, McCormack

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