News — Footy

Burgmann Fields, IL- They’re baaaaaack! Lead by B.O.G Gordon Ambrosino and with huge games from stalwarts Plant, Wolfe and Miller, the Wrigleyville Rhinos sounded an alarm to the rest of the competition that they would not be denied what is rightfully there’s in an 83 point demolition of the hapless Tigers on Friday night.

The Rhinos went into the game minus Ash Johnson, Matt Henzel and Toddy McClamroch but regained strongman Drew Wolfe (lazy) and the speed and tenacity of Ambrosino (brain). The depleted Tigers, still reeling from the losses of Biggs (fatherhood), DeJong (knees) and inspirational and legendary leader Burgmann (constantly drunk) also lost the enigmatic Hoyt (probably drunk) and Frank Bradley (definitely drunk). Gun midfielder Tommy gun was mounting some chick called rainier or it may have been climbing Mt Rainier, not sure as my info on that is a bit scratchy but as he is a Tiger, let’s assume he was doing it drunk shall we and get on with the footy. Their final insult was the loss of marksman Oscar Meyer but no one knows what happened to him but we assume the worst and hope the soap wasn’t to slippery and could be ‘picked up’ quickly and without incident.

From the bounce, a pumped up Rhino outfit who until now remained in the cellar with no wins from a lot of attempts and with lots of questions being raised around Wrigleyville such as “oooooo, I love that cutey Wolfe, wonder when he’ll come out of the closet?” and “oh darling, you just must see Jeremy clean shaven, he’s to die for. I wonder when that tra&p Marci will smell the tighty whiteys and let me at him grrrr darling” needed a big win.

As the ball hit the deck the first time, Miller burst through the center square and delivered a ripper pass to Drake who duly went back and nailed his first of the day playing at full forward. Big Spider followed suit kicking two lovely goals from distance and when John Scher kicked a pearla from a free kick for a push in the back 25m out and on a tight angle, the Rhinos were looking the best they had since their McNaughton hallcyion days of 2006. At the first break, WV led 4.1: 25 to the Tigers who hadn’t bothered the scorers thus far.

Miller didn’t want a repeat of the debacle against the Piranhas and kept pushing his charges on as Mustard searched for answers amongst the hugely inexperienced Tigers (5 first gamers brought down mainly by Crackers, great effort indeed). The height of Drake and Spider was troubling as Betty Palmer, despite giving away inches to both of them (in more places than one may I add!), tried his heart out down back without much support. The Rhinos had Crackers tagged by Beau Rodgers who was doing a great job and Hayse and Uhlmann were being well held also enabling the Rhinos to control the ball through Scher and Wolfe in the middle and the backline was on fire with Miller, Morgan, Kastilahn and a soberish Worniak having free reign and getting great run. A very interesting battle was forming between the recently returned Tiger tough man Bradice and renaissance man for WV in Panek with the latter getting the votes thus far.

The second quarter saw the tigers start to get things moving with Uhlmann in particular getting far more of it but despite many forward thrusts, they were unable to break the Mike Panek led embargo going on on the last line of defense. The Rhinos were able to turn defense into attack and when Dave Worniak found Drake 30 out on the boundary things looked tough as he played on and goaled to send the Rhinos further in front. Big Spider, after some great play from Miller and co down back found Drake on a long lead and his third made the Tigers look out of it in the shadow of half time. Beau Rodgers was able to sneak one through as the traffic all started to head towards Wrigleyville. The Tigers finally got on the board when Bradice was able to break through the suffocating Panek and goal just before the half to send the tigers in, down by 35 points, 7.2: 44 (nice change from last time) to 1.3: 9.

After the half it became the Gordon Ambrosino show as his blistering pace became to much for the inexperienced Tiger boys to control. He was able to kick two for the quarter, the second of which was a classic crumbers goal ala Kevin Barlett as he read the ball off the hands of Spider and at full tilt kicked truly from 40 out. Big Spider was also getting amongst the goals and he kicked his third from a strong grab. The tigers continued to battle hard as big Andrew in the ruck showed a lot of promise as did Martin around the packs and vince tried his best to come to terms with a 7 ft spider and a brand new game. The Tigers were able to pepper the goals but the pressure from Wrigley was splendid and old hands Hayse, Sebastian and Crackers were unable to kick truly. At the end of the third, WV held a commanding 10.3: 63 to 1.7: 13 lead and looked to rub further salt into the Tiger wounds.

The final stanza started with Ambrosino kicking his third after Rodgers, who was having the better of Crackers by this time, found him on the flank and he was able to play on quickly and go bang from 30 out. Next in line was Drake who was able to wrap young Vince up in a tackle that was rewarded by umpire Tony (who did a wonderful job just quietly) and he slotted through number 4 for the afternoon and all of a sudden it was raining goals as Mustard looked on helplessly. But the Rhinos, beaten mercilessly often by the tigers, found the opportunity to give some back irresistable and Beau Rodgers, playing one of his best games of the season kicked a great goal on the run to put the stampeding Rhinos further in front. The final goal summed up the Rhinos day magnificently. Miller from the backline popped it over to a hard running Scher who found Wolfe who took a bounce and found Drake on the lead. Wolfe kept running, his opponent didn’t and that enabled Hecta to pop the old Sherrin over the top to Wolfey who unselfishly handballed over Betty Palmers head to an anxious OBK who sauntered into goal, dropped the footy, picked it up again, ran the wrong way and then slipped as he kicked it and the ball did a Shane Warne wrong un’ and somehow went through the two big sticks setting off wild celebrations from the Kid not seen in years. From the north end of the stadium, he has run around the tennis courts made famous by Mischa and Jacko, taken the jumper off to reveal the removalists brace thing he wears as he waves the famous powder blue above his head so vigorously that he actually leaves the ground at one point. He then high fives the 20 strong crowd, steals Haysies beers and then high fives every car heading north on LSD. He climbs a goal post after giving the fiance a massive snog and a slap on the arse and then after a ceremonial jump in the lake goes to his knees and points to the sky like the big Z! Realising a goal of this magnitude could not be made possible by just one god, he then faces north and pulls out a carpet and bows the head towards mecca. Sitting back cross legged, he pours gold paint on himself and rubs his guts in tribute to Buddha and the last time he was seen, he was knitting a tallis, trying to grow a full beard and ringlets and was learning hebrew! We all left however, when he pulled out the # 25 jumper along with 25 candles and 25 VB’s and a photo of Warrick Burgmann and started rubbing his nipples.

Burgmann fields, Chicago IL- For some it was a sad day, for others it was wonderful to see how our great game continues to evolve in our great city as Wrigleyville, led by the once dominant and unstoppable force of Mark Jackson bowed before the new tyrant, the dangerous Dave Allen and his Piranhas. For those present, there is not much argument that if the dangerous Allen didn’t show up, the Rhinos win this game by 10 goals. Even with him the Rhinos should have won but as they say in the classics, “bad kicking is bad football” and Funky will be a distraught soul after his Rhinos continued to defy logic and lost another heart breaker last friday.

The game started with a stacked Rhino team applying all the pressure. Jackson was back from South America and gun recruit Spider Plant was back in the famous powder blue. The Rhinos attacked with gusto but kicking for goal was atrocious and when Spider finally got one on line, that was stopped by the Kid who smelled and easy one but dropped the grab and watched horrified as it trickled over the line.
At the other end, a very bored MacGlashan and Drake squared up on each other with new Rhino gun John Scher taking Monico on in the pocket. While Al and Scher were having a smoke around the tennis courts, the ball finally came down and low and behold, a tinny bounce lands straight into the arms of Monico who is 20 yards behind the play doing his hair and he kicks truly to totally piss off everyone there, except his adoring sister of course.

The play continues to be dominated by the Rhinos but fat lot of good it did them as on the next Piranha foray forward 10 minutes later, Monico marks and after looking for MacGlashan and not finding him (he was teaching Drake how to change dirty diapers behind the goals by this time), sprays a shot off his boot and finds his big, goofy brother in law standing there picking his nose and the ball miraculously lands in his hands and he kicks the Piranhas second of the quarter to totally humiliate the Rhino forwards. At the first break, LP 2.1: 13 led WV 0.5: 5 (not a typo)

The second quarter mirrored the first as Wrigleyville, in complete control of the game, continued to assume that the ever dangerous Dave Allen was in fact a goal post and constantly aim their kicks at him in the hopes the bastard would get a nasty bout of leather poisoning and piss off! But alas it was not to be and the Piranha dangerman raked in a good 345 possessions for the quarter, all on the last bloody line of defence. In the middle for Wrigleyville, Ash Johnson was getting plenty of it and the 2 soccer boys in Crackers Brennan and Tommy gun were on fire and it was Crackers who finally slotted one through for the Rhinos. The two times it went down the other end the Piranhas scored majors with Dan Thunder Thompson soccering one through and Billy popping up for a nice goal as well as the search for MacGlashan and Drake continued. At the half, the Piranhas led WV 4.5: 29 to 1.7: 13 (still, not a typo)

A pissed off Funky Miller threw Drake down to full forward after he and Al got back from the game of tennis they were having. MacGlashan went into the center (or wherever he wanted pretty much) and the Piranhas tried to turn the screws as the Rhinos tried to claw their way back into contention. Drake got the first of the quarter with a lovely handball from Crackers leaving BJ stuck in no mans land. The Rhinos continued to attack and were rewarded with a lovely goal to Tommy gun who is showing that he could be an important player for many a year for the United team. When Drake marked over the top of Gambaro and kicked the Rhinos third for the quarter, worrying sounds started to eminate from the bowels of Al MacGlashan (those who have shared a room with him on trips will know this sound). But his impending kidney stone was put on hold for a bit as Thunder banged home his second to give the Piranhas some breathing space. At the orange break, LP led 5.7: 37 to WV 4.10: 34 (seriously, 4.10!) and a classic last quarter was on the cards.

The Rhinos until now had certainly had the better of the Piranhas and had run hard all day but after throwing everything they had at them at the start of the final term, the Piranhas saw out the storm and then started banging on goals as a desperate Rhino team struggled to hold on. The danger man for LP, Dave Allen kicked his first to send the Piranhas further in front but his second, a classic snap on the left foot across the body (from a guy whose kicking style Burgmann earlier referred to as “a drunken horse trying kicking an octopus underwater while evading a shark”) was the poachers bullet to the Rhino heart and despite the amazing efforts of Panek (on Roofy), Scher (on half their team), Brennan and Funky Miller, the mighty Piranhas continued their march to September glory, even without the services of LP guns Kastilahn, Deri Morgan, Palmer and le presidente.

Chicago, IL- In a classic match up of the up and comers versus the experienced reigning MAAFL champs, Chicago snuck through to record their third win for the season and condemn Minnesotta to their second straight loss in their first year of MAAFL play.

Chicago had turned it on for the visitors with a balmy 80 degree day with 30 knot winds blowing straight across the ground. The new Australian Consulate General in Chicago was honored with the coin toss and thus began both the game and a huge torrential downpour that didn’t let up until midway through the third quarter.

Immediately after umpire and new dad Justin Biggs bounced the ball it became a cake of soap and players from both teams struggled with the wet, slippery conditions. Chicago did the bulk of attacking early and were rewarded with a classic crumbers goal to a very busy Gordon Ambrosino who is coming into some great form for the United. Chicago stepped it up as the Freeze threw men back and set up a Sydney Swan type flooding game plan and the game got very dour, very quickly. The Freeze scored their first through some nifty ballwork near the goal line resulting in a goal to Marx and that evened scores up. The Freeze continued to attack and were able to goal through Hanson. The game continued to be a tough affair as backlines, aided by the weather, completely took control and with the Freeze flooding their backline, the United lads found it hard to score and looked to Big, Bad, Bustling Al MacGlashan for some Corio Bay brilliance. After missing an earlier (and much easier) shot for goal, big Al swooped onto a loose one (not the first time just quietly!) in the pocket, gave the old “don’t argue” to a freeze defender and then went bang over the shoulder to produce one of the goals of the day. That late sausage roll put sent the United lads into the first quarter huddle 2.3: 15 to 2.0: 12 up and knowing that Minessotta meant business.

The second quarter, played in still a torrential downpour was a tough, old fashioned quarter where both teams threw themselves at the ball and the umpiring was sensational as Biggs let the two teams have at it. The Chicago dangerman, Dave Allen, broke the goal drought and slammed home Chicago’s third as the United boys started to gain the ascendancy. Big Al took a cracker of a mark 25 out dead in front but his ensuing kick failed to make the distance, a point that was brought up to Al several times after the game and one part of the game Wazza wished he’d have seen. The miss turned the game and the norv’erners came back and goaled again through Marx, who was having a handy game on a day not suited to forwards. That took care of the scoring in the second and at half time, Chicago led by a mere two points, 3.4: 22 to MN (My fingers are getting tired of typing in ‘Minessotta’ and I’m sure I’m spelling it wrong to? Why can’t they be St Paul?) 3.2: 20.

Both coaches pleaded with their charges to keep going as sore bodies ran on to dance in the rain once more. Both teams had nice sized benches so many a change was happening as the conditions took their toll. Chicago once again looked the better team as their impressive backline started to get the run it is famous for as the weather started to improve. Poncho Bradley was again amongst Chicago’s best and alongside him, BJ Gambaro was fantastic. The wingers in Uhlmann and Hayse continued to exert their influence but the windy city lads couldn’t get it done where it counted (on the scoreboard that is) and a counter attack by MN led to a horrible mistake by the coach who didn’t get the big body behind the ball and watched horrified as little Jaanke swooped onto it and despite having his own troubles picking it up, soccered through MN’s fourth to send them into an improbable lead. As the quarter continued, the Freeze continued to press the united backline and if not for some staunch work by the Betty Palmers, Mike Paneks and Funky Millers of the world, could have nailed the first nails into the Chicago coffin. As it was, some nice play out of the backline found the ball in the Chicago forward pocket where the ever dangerous Dave Allen picked it up, went that way, then this way and then went bang to record a highlight reel classic goal that picked up the hopes of the large Chicago crowd (who were all still hiding in their cars from the rain which had started to fall again). At the final change she was all even stevens with both teams having booted 4.4: 28 a piece and looking to someone to provide the spark to get them over the line in what would no doubt be a cracker jack last quarter.

Pulling the same move that worked against St Louis, Drake shifted himself up forward as Funky Miller took fullback. The middle got a good rev up with Macglashan and Isadore asked to get into the pressure cooker environment and start throwing their big bodies around because that first goal was going to be a biggy. Chicago won the clearance and attacked ferociously but MN continued to hold on until the Chicago coach was able to kick the first from 35 out to get the United lads going. From the next bounce, the dangerman for Chicago, Dave Allen, found Drake who popped it over to the fleet of foot Ryan Hayse who was able to play on and from a tight angle boot his first for the day and send the crowd (who had started to emerge from cover) into a tizzy as Chicago started to play like winners.

They continued to attack and after a screamer by Billy Uhlmann at center half forward, the mercurial Brian Hoyt pulled in a great grab of his own in between 2 Freeze defenders. He went back and slammed on Chicagos third for the quarter as the Freeze started to show cracks for the first time as they fell behind by 20 points with a little over 10 minutes left. But good teams don’t throw in the towel and the Freeze are a bloody good team. Their on ballers stepped it up again with Quirk being particularly effective. Despite momentum being against them, the Freeze were able to goal through Bondar after the Chicago defense over ran the ball and when McCuen goaled a minute later, it was Chicago’s turn to sweat as their ball movement got sloppy and they started to run out of legs as the boys from the land of lakes sniffed an improbable but classic victory over the reigning MAAFL premiers. Both teams desperately threw everything they had at the ball and each other. When the Freeze took a mark 20 out dead in front whilst only 8 points down, it looked to get even tighter but mercifully for Chicago, umpire Biggs signalled the end of the game and the shot after the siren flew wide resulting in an historic 7 point win for Chicago and the promise of what should be a great rivalry for many years.

To the victors the spoils. Chicago continue to improve after their horror trip to nashville. They were able to blood several new players in Pace, Isadore and Joe while welcoming back Swans legend big Spider who played a ripper in the ruck, and they now have the daunting task of going north to Milwaukee to face the Bombers in a must win game as the race for the MAAFL crown heats up. Nashville hold all the cards but have to travel to MN and Milwaukee while Milwaukee must travel to MN in what will be a game for the ages. The Chicago celebrations went long into the night at new sponsor Rebel bar. The night was proudly sponsored by the Hoyt family who turned up en masse to watch their pride and joy do the worm, a sight no one wants to miss.

For Minessotta it was a great loss if they actually exist. In their first MAAFL season they are finding out first hand how hard it is to win away from home but it’s obvious they enjoyed the game and the experience they will take away from this game is priceless. The guts they showed in coming back when it looked all chicago in the last quarter was a tribute to them and the coaching staff and here in chicago, we look forward to meeting them up there next season. A bloody good game of football by all.

And that’s just what Brian Hoyt said after a massive 7 goal haul against the combination squad of Cinci and Louisville (the Ohio Valley). The day started hot and humid on the lakefront with both teams looking to move forward from their previous games. The combine was coming off a hard fought traveling loss against Nashville while Chicago wanted to continue on from their strong finish against the Blues last weekend.

United came out strong with the first couple of goals. Hoyt with a great grab in the goal square followed by MacGlashan with his trademark “over the shoulder” snap. Brian was able to kick another couple to finish with 3 majors for the term while the combine scored a couple themselves. The backline, lead by Frank Bradley did a great job holding up any forward thrusts and were unlucky to be scored against. Craig “Funky” Miller was getting a few early touches and Neil “Nemo” Morrissey was solid at the last line-these three would battle hard all day. The midfield was looking dangerous with Rohan “Roofy” Ward dominating the ruck with great support from Dave Allen, Ryan Hayes, Billy Ulhmann and Paul “Oscar” Meyer. At the first break, Chicago was up 4-2 to 2 goals straight.

The second quarter found Chicago able to kick another 3 goals but missed out on capitalising on other opportunities and really could have broken the game open before half time. The Dockers/Kings team was able to make the most of their opportunities and managed to put another couple of goals on the board. The second quarter saw the weather make a huge impact on the day when the skies opened up and produced some of the heaviest rain seen in quite a few seasons. This made the ball very slippery (so much so that the umpire wanted to change the ball?) and extremely hard to control. United’s inability to make the most of their chances early in the game really kept the visitors in the match. With the wet conditions, whoever wanted it more would win. At half time Ohio trailed the United boys by 3 goals. Chicago 7-7 to Dockers/Kings 4-1

Whatever stirring words acting coach Dan Kastilahn said at half time must of sunk in pretty well as the third quarter proved to be the game breaker for Chicago. With the field as slick as a “Wazza text message” and the ball harder to pick-up than Betty Palmer (maybe the wrong example?) the United boys rallied hard to kick 3 goals to the opposition’s single goal. In these conditions this would ultimately be the difference. Some great running through the middle and stubborn defence enabled the forward line to disolve any chance of a Ohio comeback. Deri Morgan started to gather possessions as did BJ Gambaro. Oscar was an intergral part of the offensive thrusts coupled with Haysie. The forwards were presenting themselves and Brian Hoyt was the main contributor with another 3 goals to bring his final total for the day to 7. At the last break United had a comanding lead….Chicago 11-6 Cinci/Louisville 5-3.

The final quarter was pretty much all Chicago but again failed to put their dominance on the scoreboard. Drew “da Prez” Ehlers was able to pick up the ball in the trying conditions and score United’s ony goal for the term. The workrate was there but the goals did not come. The effort had again lifted with the likes of Gordo showing some real heart and desperation. The run did not drop from the middle, Roofy, Dave Allen, Anthony “Didak” Sacco, Haysie and Billy providing plenty of drive while again the backline battled hard in the wet conditions to keep the visitors goaless in the final term. The guys rotating off the bench like Biggsy, Panek and Wolfe tried hard when given the opportunity. Betty was doing his job on the the dangerous Matt Seuling, a daunting task for anyone. At the final siren Chicago had beaten the Docker/Kings outfit convincingly with an end result of 11-13 (79) to Ohio 5-6 (36).

It was pretty good effort on Chicago’s behalf especially with Coach Drake missing at a family reunion and Assitant Coach “Midway” Mustard sitting exams. The backline did well as a group and were unlucky a couple of times. The midfield slogged it out in the guts and did well to push back into defence while the forward line was solid with Brian Hoyt the standout for the day. The conditions were not great but United kept going and in the end were able to enjoy a well deserved win.

A special thanks to the people who helped off the field too, Kristen, Pat Hoyt,Jezza, Nick and Lisa…Cheers…Did I forget anyone?